Happy Birthday

Last night as I was setting my alarm I decided to change it up for my birthday. I set my alarm to be a clip of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself”- my favorite song. I woke up 5 minutes before it went off this morning, but stayed in bed for 5 minutes just so I could hear it. I have been singing it in my head all day.

I walked into the kitchen where two of my roommates were baking me a red-velvet birthday cake from scratch. They greeted me with smiles and “happy birthday”s. I walked onto our balcony to have my morning cigarette and enjoyed every drag. The birds were singing and it was only 7:30 so the heat of Houston was not awake yet. I was smoking my cigarette looking over all the trees and trying to notice if I felt any different- any older.

I have been feeling very young lately, and I still do. As I was smoking my cigarette a sentence kept popping in my head- “you’re going to be great”. And I really think I am. I will be happy. I am happy now, the core of me is happy, and I will be in the future too. I am scared of getting sucked back into the under-toe of darkness, but I don’t think I will drown in it again. I no longer imagine that my cause of death with be suicide. For the first time in over 10 years, I am not going to kill myself.

I will have sad days, and months that seem impossible to get through- but I am going to be okay. As long as I stay transparent.

This day has been great so far. I have 91 days of sobriety and will be going to Dave and Busters after a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight. My sponsor help me put together a little birthday bash. NA meetings are a huge source of my support and motivation. I have received lots of love today. Genuine love, not the “happy birthday” comments from Facebook, but friends calling me, letters from my parents, hugs from my peers.

I am so glad I stayed alive. All I saw for my future was darkness. A huge reason I couldn’t move forward was because suicide was always an option for me. Because of that, I never really put my all into anything, I never really jumped into the waters of life.

It is my Birthday, I am 21, I am sober, I AM ALIVE, and I am so happy to be here. That is a sentence I never imagined writing or feeling.

A Cycle

The first time I told someone I was going to kill myself I was 14 years old. I was talking to my therapist. I went to acute care that night. Before I left she held my hand, looked me in the eyes, and promised that I would find light again in the midst of the darkness.

There were months at a time where I felt there had been some glimpse of a light at the end of some darkness, but I could never hold on to it for long enough. I would fall into what I call “ditches”,  which were periods of a depressed fog that I had no idea how to get rid of.

Eventually, I was exhausted. A component keeping me from speaking out about my returned depression was the knowledge that even if I got out of the darkness that time, it would always come back, for the rest of my life. I did not want to get better because I knew I would get sick again, I just wanted to die and stop wasting time.

I am constantly aware of my existence, and remaining vocal about my fear that the darkness will set in again. I am hopeful that my depression will never get as bad as it once was again, but I am sure there is darkness in store ahead. I write about my existence and appreciate it everyday. The best part about this blog is that incase I fall again, I have something that I wrote from my heart.

Starting This Blog

I have been very nervous about doing this because all I hear in my head is all the shit people could talk about it. My letter to myself is too long, the “quick reasons” are too wordy, it’s not interesting, it’s not relatable, I have no idea what I’m talking about, this is childish, I am just embarrassing myself and wasting your time. But I feel like if I put this out there, maybe I can bring someone with me back into existence.

I heard a woman tonight who essentially said “why live? what’s the point?” and it made me so sad. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. I certainly don’t know what the point is, I’m not sure there is a point, but since I have accepted existence, it has become much more cool. There is so much life within each of us, within each square foot of grass.

You might think this is dumb, but I am trying to stop caring about what you (whoever you are) think. So here is an astounding fact: