Last night as I was setting my alarm I decided to change it up for my birthday. I set my alarm to be a clip of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself”- my favorite song. I woke up 5 minutes before it went off this morning, but stayed in bed for 5 minutes just so I could hear it. I have been singing it in my head all day.
I walked into the kitchen where two of my roommates were baking me a red-velvet birthday cake from scratch. They greeted me with smiles and “happy birthday”s. I walked onto our balcony to have my morning cigarette and enjoyed every drag. The birds were singing and it was only 7:30 so the heat of Houston was not awake yet. I was smoking my cigarette looking over all the trees and trying to notice if I felt any different- any older.
I have been feeling very young lately, and I still do. As I was smoking my cigarette a sentence kept popping in my head- “you’re going to be great”. And I really think I am. I will be happy. I am happy now, the core of me is happy, and I will be in the future too. I am scared of getting sucked back into the under-toe of darkness, but I don’t think I will drown in it again. I no longer imagine that my cause of death with be suicide. For the first time in over 10 years, I am not going to kill myself.
I will have sad days, and months that seem impossible to get through- but I am going to be okay. As long as I stay transparent.
This day has been great so far. I have 91 days of sobriety and will be going to Dave and Busters after a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight. My sponsor help me put together a little birthday bash. NA meetings are a huge source of my support and motivation. I have received lots of love today. Genuine love, not the “happy birthday” comments from Facebook, but friends calling me, letters from my parents, hugs from my peers.
I am so glad I stayed alive. All I saw for my future was darkness. A huge reason I couldn’t move forward was because suicide was always an option for me. Because of that, I never really put my all into anything, I never really jumped into the waters of life.
It is my Birthday, I am 21, I am sober, I AM ALIVE, and I am so happy to be here. That is a sentence I never imagined writing or feeling.