I need to write because I haven’t written in so long. I think about it everyday. When things happen I think about how I could make a blog post about it. Moving to a new city, falling in love, being terrified. Lots of things have been unfolding and I’ve been waiting to see how things work out instead of stopping long enough to write a blog post about it.
What motivated me to finally write this blog post was the hour I just spent reading my journals from high school. I was so sad then, and felt so alone. There must be girls writing the same things in their journals, and I want them to know that it doesn’t have to be that way. If someone had reached out to me and told me that they understood how I felt and that I wasn’t alone, I probably wouldn’t have believed them. But I know how you feel, whoever is reading this, when your dark thoughts freak you out or you shame yourself out of sadness because you don’t believe it’s justified.
I don’t feel stuck anymore. And that’s not an easy feeling to achieve.
At NA tonight we talked about “spiritual awakenings” but it made me think about awakenings in general; epiphanies, realizations, whatever term you want to use. A realization implies a previous blindness or ignorance, like when I realized I wasn’t alone. Things were dark, so I didn’t know what was around me. The darkness was comfortable, it was a source of identity, but there was so much I couldn’t see, a lot of it I didn’t want to see.
The darkness faded when I connected to others, I was pulled out of my cave. I am trying to get comfortable in the light, there is more to do, but I feel like I am exposed. I can’t hide in my darkness, or behind drugs. Sometimes it’s scary and overwhelming, but not the way darkness was. It’s kind of invigorating. I never knew that I get nervous in a crowd of strangers, but I do. I go out anyway, and I feel better about it every time. I spend most of the time people watching and being quiet, I don’t want to talk just to talk, to make people see me the way I want them to. Over time, some people will get to know me, and some people wont. I don’t need to force it.
I want what I have learned over the last half-year to stay with me, and I have found that I don’t get overwhelmed by rushes of thoughts. I am constantly thinking, but I have come to the conclusion that everyone is constantly thinking. My thoughts don’t get out of control anymore. I have been consistently going to yoga, which is cool. I want to maintain mindfulness throughout transition. I want to remember where I came from without letting it define me.
I love the person I am today. And I love the terrified teenage girl I once was, the girl who hated herself and hated breathing. I wish I could travel back in time and give her a hug, and tell her that the darkness doesn’t go away when you’re hiding from the light. Once the light arrives, you may be more exposed, but everyone else is too. I have noticed that being honest with people makes them more likely to be honest with me. And when I’m honest, I don’t confuse myself as much.
A lot of things are changing, and I have an opportunity to take a new path, a path I have never taken before. I am scared, I don’t have much experience with doing things successfully. No matter what, I love myself. And I think that if I love myself, things are more likely to go well, because where there is love, there is light. That’s sounds super cheesy, almost delete-worthy cheesy. But I think it’s true. If I love and accept myself, I will be able to remain honest with myself and with others, which will keep the darkness away another day.