Today

I’m really into being patient with myself and not getting wrapped up in anything. It’s keeping me out of the dark stuff. The stuff that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I got out of bed today, so I’m just going to focus on that right now. It’s much better than focusing on the one-hundred things I didn’t do today that I was supposed to do last week. “Just build on the little successes,” I tell myself.

My last depression was in April. I thought I wouldn’t have one for another year, at least. Depression works like that, right? I get to decide how long I go between the fogs, right? I know I’m happy, I know everything is okay, I just can’t feel it right now. Sometimes I think everything is terrible, and at those moments I text my therapist and I start to wonder, “what’s terrible?” and then I remember, “oh, that’s right, nothing”. Except that I want to be here, and I’m not. It’s a terrible feeling- the lack of feeling. All I want is to feel my feet on the ground, but I’m so far away. And the harder I try to feel, the more the emptiness consumes me. I’m going to give myself a break from thinking so much, and I’m going to stay patient with myself today.

Here’s a gratitude list:

I’m grateful for friends who remind me that I exist

I’m grateful for therapy and for medication

I’m grateful I can talk about it

I’m grateful my boyfriend isn’t blaming himself for this, or trying to fix me, or blaming me

I’m grateful that my friends still think I’m cool

I’m grateful that I’m free from the desire to kill myself

I’m grateful that I’m free from the desire to use drugs

I’m grateful that my automatic thoughts are self-loving and compassionate

I’m grateful that I’m kinda funny when I’m depressed

Who am I kidding, I’m always funny

I’m grateful this wave of fog isn’t going to last very long (hopefully)

I’m grateful people are patient with me

I’m grateful for my cat

I’m grateful that today, for the first time in almost two months, I listened to a song and danced to it with reckless abandon

I’m grateful that this gratitude list could go on for days