I got out of bed today. And yesterday.

I am so grateful that for the last four days (IN A ROW) I have been able to get out of bed. And not just get out of bed, but do so without any argument from myself. It has taken me no longer than 15 minutes to get out of bed. I got out of bed without immediately wanting to get back in bed. I got out of bed without wanting to cry. I am so grateful.

When I tell people that all I do all day is stay in bed and think about getting out of it, the usual response is, “wow, that sounds amazing, I am so jealous.” I’m not sure how to explain to them that it’s the worst. When I can’t get out of bed all day, I feel trapped and I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

On days when I can’t get out of bed, I pray that I’ll have to pee soon so that I’ll have no choice but to get out of bed. And then I pray that for that one minute I’m out of bed, I’ll be able to stay out of it. This doesn’t always work.

I try to schedule important appointments early in the day so that I’ll have to leave my apartment and I wont go back until it’s dark outside. I’ve been awake for about an hour, and I’m actually doing stuff. In my apartment. I feel a slight pull towards my bed, but that’s why I’m at my desk, cuddling with my cat, and I’ll leave my apartment as soon as I finish writing this.

I have not been able to get out of bed this simply in almost four months. I felt like I was drowning in sheets, and now I feel like I can breathe just a little bit easier. Little bits of relief come one day at a time when I take care of my mental health. I know that to be true, and it’s why I keep holding on, even when it seems like it might go on forever.