no more cigarettes #2

I wish I didn’t think smoking cigarettes was cool.

I had my first cigarette when I was twelve-years-old and I never looked back. I always wanted to be a cigarette-smoker.

This morning was difficult because as soon as I woke up, I thought, “great, time for a cigarette,” and then I remembered that I can’t. A heartbreaking realization.

Yesterday I was thinking about sneaky ways I could smoke cigarettes and have no one find out. I thought, “I’ll just buy one pack and put it in my glove-box for emergencies, no one will never know.”

Last night I was nearly in tears thinking about all of the future road trips I want to take. The idea of not smoking cigarettes during a road trip is hard to get my head around. I feel exactly like I did almost three years ago, minus the feeling that I am going to die if I don’t do drugs. Everything else is very similar, though.

I have an identity as a smoker. When I see someone smoking, I know that I have something in common with them. I can see my future self talking to a smoker and saying, “oh yeah, you smoke cigarettes? I used to smoke AT LEAST four packs a day, I was pretty cool but I HAD to quit because I want to be a teacher” (I have never smoked four packs in one day).

I am in the “in-group” of smokers. Just like I was in the in-group of this drug and the in-group of that drug. All I want to do is fit in to a specific group so that I know I belong somewhere (thank goodness for Narcotics Anonymous). And now I’m puffing on my e-cig? How lame. I think people who smoke e-cigs are weird. And now I’m one of them. I always thought people who did not do drugs were weird. This reminds me of a story.

When I had less than 30 days clean, I was having a crisis. I thought people who did not do drugs were close-minded and boring. I walked into my addiction counselor’s office very upset as I explained to him my concerns. He said, “Simone, you are wearing a ‘PRIDE’ t-shirt, hippie rainbow pants, and meditation beads. You have a piercing on your face, and you brag about not having shaved your legs in months. If you went to the grocery store right now, I’m not sure anyone would think you are remotely boring” this always stuck with me. Also, this story always makes me miss my eyebrow piercing.

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