three years!

My life revolved around death (always on my mind) and drugs (always in my hand) for half my life. Three years ago a group of people surrounded me with love and asked me not to kill myself. They also suggested I stop doing drugs. I totally rejected their ideas, but I was in a hospital and I was weak and hungry and so, so tired. During that time I had the opportunity to speak with other people who shared my story and had come to an end with the only reasonable option being death. Those people are why I’m still here today. They gave me my first honest community that didn’t revolve around drugs — not even weed! Not even alcohol! Over the course of my six months in psychiatric care, I was totally safe to be myself. When I wanted to kill myself I said, “I want to die today,” and nobody locked me in a looney bin (due to the fact that I was already in a looney bin, haha!)  we just talked it out, sometimes for hours into the night, always with honesty — “yeah, life is kinda meaningless,” “yeah, there’s a lot bullshit around here,” “yeah, taxes seem confusing and dumb but they aren’t a huge deal.” 

Today I have a passion and gratitude for life that I try to spread in every interaction I have. Today I woke up and meditated and thanked this universe for my life. Today I’m not going to put drugs in my body so that I can feel less alone and scared. Sometimes life feels lonely and scary. Today I think of my friends who are no longer with us and I feel their love. My life has meaning today, and I get to choose what that meaning is. My life has community today, thanks to Narcotics Anonymous. NA is my foundation and my backbone and my reminder that I always have somewhere safe to go. 

I feel immense gratitude for all the people who have been a part of this recovery journey and for all the people who came before me and have shown me that it’s all going to be okay. My life today is so different than my life three years ago. As I continue to face change, uncertainty, beauty, depression, and hope, I know I’m safe to be who I am. That is the most wonderful thing to know. It’s something I didn’t know until three years ago. So thank you, to everyone who has shown me kindness and acceptance, I wouldn’t be here without you. 

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