goodbye, 2015

I’m generally a very sentimental and reflective person but I’m not feeling very sentimental or reflective right now, as I look back on 2015 and prepare for a new year.

It was a good year. Like, one of the best years I’ve ever had. I’ll point out some highs and I’ll point out some lows, and maybe that will get me excited about the promise that 2016 holds.

I was just eating dinner with Jonny and I was talking about some low points I had this year. He pointed out that most of those things were left over from 2014, so they don’t count. For example, I got depressed again in September of 2014 and I didn’t feel like myself again until May of 2015. So the first half of 2015 is sort of a blur of med changes and an all-consuming nothingness. I think my lowest point during those months was one day when I said, “I wish I had never made the decision to not kill myself.” Yeah, I said that. No, I didn’t mean it. Not really. What I really meant was that I was in such a dark place and I wanted to say something to express how low I was feeling. I definitely got my point across and I ended up getting myself some new craft supplies and making cards all day, trying to forgive myself for saying something so harsh.

From May to now, everything was pretty good. I haven’t faced any long spells of depression. I’ve messed up. I had the worst semester in school that I’ve had since I got clean (and nothing to really blame it on). A second low point came on the night of Thanksgiving when some denial I was living in got totally shattered and I had to face some truths about someone I love a whole lot. That was really hard. I tried, I’ll admit, to get back to that place of denial. It didn’t work, and I’m better for it.

There are too many high points to count, and I am so grateful for that. I went to Marfa in May, Little Compton in August, and had some memorable stay-cations where I focused on having fun and letting go of the weight I have felt about the state of the world right now. The world is terrifying and dark and full of injustice, but it is so important to take a break to laugh and have fun.

My job has been really good to me, and I am incredibly grateful for that. I have a boss who cares about who I am as a person, and who cares about my life and my goals. That is a huge gift. I also get to spend a lot of time around flowers (I do flowers for weddings and events). There’s something so cleansing about flowers. I love them, a lot. I have them tattooed all over my body. I definitely feel Ike I am in the right job right now.

Of course, the most validating thing that happened this year was getting a publisher interested in my book. Signing that contract was one of the best moments of my life. I felt known, understood, and accepted. That is the best feeling in the world, I think.

I grew spiritually this year more than I ever have. And in that spiritual growth, I came face to face with old trauma and I decided to accept it. That is an ongoing process, but a path I am glad to be on. My healing coach and I have done so much work together, I feel totally free from the burden of myself, because I am learning to view myself as less of a burden and more of a person.

My recovery has changed and grown as I have changed and grown. I am constantly curious about that path, and the new things shown to me. My relationship with my sponsor is one of trust, respect, and humor. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

I could go on and on. The last things I will mention are: my relationship, the strong women in my life, and my family. All three of these things are among the guiding forces in my life, and all of them have become stronger with time. I don’t think I ever understood how important woman role models are until a few came into my life. I never realized that being treated well, for me, means consistency, communication, and respect. Also, tickles. So many tickles. As I type this, Jonny is trying to get our new snake to eat. It’s hilarious and adorable, and I’m looking at him thinking, “this is it. This is my guy.” And I am very grateful for that.

My family is ridiculous and full of dysfunction. And it makes me who I am today. I at once contribute to and try to distance myself from the dysfunction. In doing that, I learn a lot about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. My siblings hold up mirrors for me. Their authenticity (or inauthenticity) helps me see where I am authentic or inauthentic. I am very grateful for the big ole’ dysfunctional family I live in.

Judging by the length of this blog post, I suppose I am feeling reflective and sentimental. I’m sorry it was all over the place, I wanted to get this all out of my brain before going to the gym. Also- I started working out on a consistent basis this year and that has been life-changing in more ways than I could have imagined. Anyway, I guess I say all of that to say that this year was a balance of dark and light, growth and stagnation, humor and seriousness. It was a really good year. 2016, here I come.

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