I haven’t posted an update about my book in a while, and I have been very aware of that. I think about it everyday. I had this terrifying realization that strangers will be reading what I write and they could say things like, “wow, how did such a shitty writer get published?”
Of course I’ve known the entire time that strangers will be reading my book. That’s sort of the thing with books… But my book deals with some really sensitive, vulnerable stuff. It’s all so personal and my heart is all over every page. And what if people I really like read it and then they decide that I suck as a person because my writing sucks? What if my writing sucks?
These are the sorts of thoughts I’ve been having. And so I’ve sort of been avoiding talking about my book. And it’s great because I just got engaged, so I can talk about that for a while when people ask what I’m up to.
Tonight my publisher emailed me and said wonderful things about my writing. That’s why I’m writing this blog post. She used the word “poignant” to describe my writing! If one person thinks my writing is worthy of that sort of compliment, I’ll take it. Also, I’m not writing this book for the people who think it’s shitty. I mean, I am. I’m writing it for everyone. But really, I’m writing it for the people who have felt how I have felt, or know someone who has.
I’m writing this book for the people who want to connect but don’t know how. I’m writing it, in so many ways, for myself. I’m writing it for the 20-year-old Sim who was suicidal and sad and traumatized. I’m giving myself permission to take a little microphone and say what I want to say about my experience so far in the little bubble that is my life. I’m going to try to remember all this throughout this process because I’m sure I will be shocked with the fear more than a few more times.
I’ve got a big year ahead of me. This year I am planning a wedding, teaching full time for the first time, becoming a homeowner, and writing a book. Also, if I play my cards right, we’ll be welcoming another cat into our little family.
Throughout this journey, I’m going to do my best to stay vigilant in my recovery – sobriety and mental health wise. Meeting attendance, therapy, meditation, exercise, journaling, and community are going to remain my anchors. I’m going to buckle up tight and enjoy the ride. When lots of wheels are turning and things are happening quickly, I love it. I also recognize that I am prone to depression spells. I don’t want to live in fear, but I do want to stay aware.
Thanks to everyone who is on this journey with me!