the day after a day of anxiety

First of all, I wish someone had told me that social security offices are not as scary as I imagined. To be fair, I’m sure no one knew that was ever anything I would need to be told. In case you need to know – social security offices are not as scary as you might imagine.

Yesterday, I asked Jonny to go with me to the social security office and he agreed. I felt shame and guilt about asking him. I told myself, “you’re a grown up now, this is something you should be able to do on your own,” and he left work early so that he could go with me, so I felt guilt about that. He was going to leave work early anyway, I just found a way to blame myself for it.

The social security office was not scary, and my social security card will be in my mailbox next week, and the world did not crumble to my toes.

I did a lot of things to take care of myself and my inner five-year-old. Here is a list of things I did throughout the day yesterday:

I made a gratitude list
I had coffee with a friend and talked about growing-up pains
I went to Toys-R-Us and cuddled with a bunch of stuffed animals
I asked someone for help with a scary errand
I wrote about my anxiety in my journal and on this blog
I checked my email
I cried a little
I cuddled with my cat
I did laundry
I read a children’s book to myself
I saw my sister and my brother-in-law
I had a little dance break
I went to sleep early and didn’t set any alarms this morning

Today I am feeling much better. Still a bit anxious. My anxiety is finding all sorts of things to be scared of. All sorts of worst-case-scenarios. I’m trying to just let that happen without reacting to it. This morning I had a wonderful coffee date with my sponsor, and I am feeling spiritually connected to reality.

I am also going to my favorite place in the world tomorrow, so that might be part of why I feel better. I am also tired from being so anxious, so I don’t have a lot of pent-up energy to give to my anxiety monster. Whatever I am anxious about will still be there tomorrow, so I will deal with that tomorrow. Today, I don’t want to be anxious. I just want to enjoy the sun and coffee and my cat and my friends and rap music.

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