no pride, no fear

I asked my friend what to write about and he suggested three things, two of which were “no pride, no fear.” Which I really like, so I’m going to run with that.

I don’t think he knew that I have been fearful, but he may have guessed it. Or maybe I told him. I can’t remember. I have also been a bit prideful. At least, I’ve been pretending that I am very sure of myself. Perhaps because I’m trying to act like I am not terrified, when in fact, I am completely terrified.

Completely terrified might be the wrong way to put it. I am totally unsure of my future for the first time in a very long time. For the last four years, I have been establishing myself as someone in recovery, and I have been working towards being a teacher. And now I don’t want to be a teacher.

On my 25th birthday, I wrote up a ten year plan. That was a hilarious idea. In under two months, that plan has completely fallen apart. I was working on my application to grad school today, and one of the essay questions asked me what my long term goals are. For the first time in a very long time, I skipped that question.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I thought teaching wouldn’t be so traumatic. I thought things would be different. I thought I would be better. I want to get my masters degree in addiction studies and another one in social work, but I don’t really know what I want to be, or where I want to go.

So I think “no pride, no fear,” is a really nice thing to have in my life right now. There are so many unknowns on the horizon, and I want to let go of my expectations. I don’t know what to expect, and I really can’t predict what will happen.

Not knowing what is going to happen is usually when I get very freaked out. That’s usually when I get my anxious monster driving everything I do. So letting go of that prideful, controlling part of me is really important right now. And embracing each moment without fear, without self-doubt, will help me get to the right place.

Controlling the situation usually doesn’t work out very well, and it is very stressful. So, if I let go of that part of me that has to have things a certain way, I think I’ll be okay. Easier said than done, of course. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m reminded again of what my sponsor taught me – “the universe always conspires for your highest good.” I find myself in that critical zone where I can find weaknesses in sayings like that, but I am going to trust it anyway. I’m going to walk with my head held high in the direction of the unknown and I am going to find the goodness in every moment of it, even in the scary moments.

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