“okay, but are you sure?”
This is the question I have been asking Jonny for the last week. For the last 8 months, I have been so proud of what a “chill bride” I have been. I have seen crazy brides, I have seen breakdowns, and I have been so committed to not being one of “those” brides. But I have to be honest with you, I am freaking out.
The wonderful thing about Jonny, and one of the reasons I am marrying him, is he receives my freak outs so well. He knows how to diffuse me. With kindness, acceptance, patience, and humor.
My emotions have been all over the place this week, and I didn’t want to tell Jonny. I wanted to tell my maid of honor or my sister or my parents. I didn’t want Jonny to know that I was asking him if he was sure because I am not sure. However, he’s my best friend, and he’s the person I am marrying, so I figured he should know that I am asking all of these questions about the future and I am totally tripping over it.
I asked him about one hundred questions: what if you hurt me? What if you tell me a big lie? What if I tell you a big lie? What if I fuck it up? What if one of us starts using and ruins the other person’s life? What if you get fed up with my depression? What if I get really fat? We don’t want kids now, but what if one of us ends up wanting kids? What if I stop achieving my goals and you stop thinking I’m cool? How can we possibly be sure?
Letting Jonny into my freak out made me feel so much better. The thing about marriage (you can disregard this because I don’t know anything about marriage) is that it is inviting someone into the behind the scenes of your life.
Jonny has been behind the scenes of my life for a couple of years, and he has been witness to a relatively consistent shit show. I’m neurotic, I overthink everything I say and do, I love people and I don’t like people in the same second, I don’t cook, I have body image issues, I have a slew of diagnoses and one of them flares up as soon as I get another one under control. Jonny witnesses all of this and it baffles me. Day in and day out, he is kind to me, he respects me, he lets me be and feel everything that I need to be and feel. He gives me space. He comforts me. And he thinks I’m a total badass. He has my instruction manual.
This isn’t to say that he doesn’t have his behind the scenes, but I don’t need to tell his story here. We are the backstage managers of each other’s lives. And the answer to all of the questions that I have about our future is so simple, and it’s something I think about everyday.
The answer is, we are going to take it one day at a time. We love couples therapy, and we love the therapist we see. We have a rule that if one of us wants to go to therapy, we’ll go within two weeks.
When I met Jonny, he was a newcomer with a killer jaw line and a terrible haircut. We started dating. He relapsed. I wasn’t sure then. I went with it because my rule was: It’s either going to work out, or it’s not going to work out.
We have watched each other grow, we have given each other space to be individuals, we have held hands through rough winds. Jonny is an incredible man. He is hard working, caring, hilarious, patient, brilliant, creative. He is my best friend.
We have something wonderful. We are a family, and we have so much fun supporting each other through this weird gift of life. I am so grateful. Twenty days from now, we’ll be married and we will continue living our lives together one day at a time.