Basically, I am noticing. I wanted to say more in that sentence, but all I can say is that I am noticing. I am learning to notice, really.
I am fascinated by this experiencing of beginning to sit in a non-understanding, a not-knowing, of the universe and the everyday goings on of every single thing. There is nothing that I can truly know. That makes me super uncomfortable. I can’t truly know what is going to happen at work tomorrow, I can’t truly know what a person is thinking about me, or if they’re even thinking about me.
And it makes me uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to sit in the not-knowing of things. It is uncomfortable to say, “I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, and that is just fine.” Like, I almost can’t even type that, it’s such a strange idea to me that I could be perfectly fine with not knowing, or even trying to know, what is going to happen.
So, how do I get comfortable? How do I come to this place of peace with the inability to know everything?
Here’s what I am trying (I’ll let you know how it goes): Every time I have a thought that begins with “I know what is going to happen…” I am trying to think, “oh, there’s a thought,” and then replace it with a positive thought of the current moment.
For example, I might think “Ugh, I am going to make such a fool of myself when I share in that meeting tonight.” In that moment I can respond to that thought by thinking, “oh, there’s a thought. That’s okay. Right now I am enjoying the feeling of the breeze on this hot day.”
Over time, that positive thought could replace the negative thought all together. At the beginning, they will just get closer and closer together.
I am curious about how I have come to do this so easily with negative self-talk. I do the same thing. I think something negative about myself, and I immediately replace it with loving thoughts. Now, I have love thoughts all the time without even having negative self-talk.
What I think happened is that my ego wanted to find a way to make things negative, and used this avenue of fortune telling to get me into a negative headspace.
I am addicted to excitement. That is a trait of an adult child of an alcoholic, and I am the poster child for it. Super addicted to excitement. Part of this tension with assuming that the worst is going to happen is exciting to me. I get revved up when I am getting ready for something negative, and I like the feeling of being revved up.
So how do I let go of that sort of desire for excitement/tension? I notice it. I simply become aware — “oh, I am having a thought. There is a thought in my head that life is boring if I don’t have that sort of excitement. Okay, it’s natural to have that thought. It’s simply a thought. Here I am, in this moment, having this thought. And all is well.”
All of this is pretty new to me. This idea of getting comfortable with uncertainty. It is also a cool thing to imagine the peace of mind that could come with this work. Peace of mind doesn’t sound super exciting to me. It does sound consistent. And the idea of enjoying something as simple as the breeze at my feet sounds so pure to me. And I think I can get to a place where every part of me, even my ego, truly wants that.
I’ll keep you posted.