I have not been taking good care of my body. Body image issues, little sleep, and long work hours have resulted in a malnourished Simone. Honestly, I am embarrassed.
I want to be put together all the time. I want to look healthy and energized everyday. I didn’t stop when I fell down my stairs. I didn’t stop when I fainted. I am on this quest to prove to my imagined audience that I am not disposable. And I tell myself that in order to do that, I must keep going.
I tell myself that when I miss a day (and a day off, to me, means I am missing a day of work — so I work on my days off), I am giving people the opportunity to realize, “oh yeah, we don’t need her, let’s get rid of her.” I know, I know, that is not at all what anyone is thinking.
It’s what I am thinking.
Really, this couldn’t have happened at a better time. I have been confined to the doctor’s office and my bed for the last two days. I am beginning to feel better, and I get to start eating solid foods today. I’ve decided to use this experience as my bottom. My realization that my mental health isn’t the only thing that comes first, my body is, too. Really, if my body isn’t doing well, if my brain is not nourished, my mental health can’t be 100%.
Tomorrow, we go on our honeymoon. I will rest. I will walk slowly through the market and I will take my time. We have no agenda, no strict itinerary. Just 7 days of slow.
I will not work. I will not check my email or call my coworkers to see how it’s going. I will rest. I give myself permission to let go, and trust. Everything is fine without me, that doesn’t mean I am disposable. That doesn’t mean that I am not valued in my work community.
I will spend today resting and preparing for a long travel day tomorrow. I can’t wait to write from the easiness of a beach.